


agent lewis

by 100demons



Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Rare Pairing, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-29
Updated: 2012-05-29
Packaged: 2017-11-06 06:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy wonders if Fury is single and helps save the world. All in a day's work for one Agent Lewis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	agent lewis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amusewithaview](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amusewithaview/gifts), [tumblr anon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tumblr+anon).



“WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING HYRDRA AGENTS ON MY MOTHERFUCKING HELICARRIER!?”

Maria dropped her cards and stood at attention as Nick Fury strode into the off-duty lounge, his black trench coat billowing behind him menacingly.

“Sir,” Maria saluted. Darcy slid down her seat until her eyes were at table-level and snuck a look at Maria’s cards. They were face-down, dammit. She just needed another ace…

“WHERE ARE MY MOTHERFUCKING AVENGERS? I PAY THEM A BILLION DOLLARS A FUCKING DAY AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY? DRINKING MARTINIS AND SUNNING THEMSELVES IN ARUBA, THE FUCKING SHITHEADS.”

“Sir, I believe they’ve moved onto the Bahamas now,” Maria said, carefully not making eye contact.

“I WANT THEM ON MY MOTHERFUCKING HERLICARRIER IN FIVE MINUTES OR I’M TAKING AWAY ALL OF YOUR VACATIONS DAYS.”

“Sir, yes sir,” Maria nodded and clicked her heels together. Nick Fury strode out of the room just as suddenly as he appeared; it became much easier to breathe once he was gone.

Maria’s shoulders slumped and she unholstered her gun, hissing, “I am going to skin Tony Stark _alive_ and slowly lower him into a vat of boiling oil and cook him until he’s fried and feed him to a pack of hungry wolves. And _then_ I’ll take his remains and use his blood to write TONY STARK IS A GIANT DICKHEAD on his house.”

“Uh huh, yeah, that sounds nice,” Darcy said absently, laying her cards down on the table. “But more importantly—who was _that_?”

Maria looked at her quizzically. “You don’t mean…Director Fury?”

“What kind of first name is that? Director? Jeez, I bet he got beat up all the time when he was a kid—“

“Darcy,” Maria said very patiently. “That was Director Nick Fury of SHIELD ordering me to find the Avengers before we’re all killed by the Hydra Agents currently hijacking the ship.”

“ _Huh_ ,” Darcy said, standing up and stretching. “Does he wear that eye patch for fun or is it, you know—“ She mimed a gun pointing at her eye.

“Did you just not listen when I said that we’re under attack?”

“Details, details,” Darcy waved a hand dismissively. “Is he single?”

Maria looked up at the ceiling and said, “I’m not paid enough to deal with all this shit.”

\---

“And then I said, ‘Hey, do you want to go look at my private art collection?’” Tony grinned and raised his martini up in the air, a tiny olive bobbing in the glass.

“Dude, brofist!” Clint said and raised his fist. Tony obliged and tapped it with his own. “She actually went for that?”

Tony finished his drink and beckoned at the waiter for another one. “Are you kidding? Hook, line, sinker. I _do_ have one of the finest private collections of post-Impressionist art, if I do say so myself.” He leered at his empty martini glass, which remained stoically silent.

“Oh,” Steve said, looking up from his tablet. “You have an art collection? Neat! Do you think maybe if I could just take a look some time? I mean, I know you’re really busy but—“

Clint bent over in half, banging his fist on the tiki hut table. “I can’t—I can’t—“ he wheezed, almost knocking over his cocktail. “I just—you—“ He gestured helplessly at Steve’s bewildered face and collapsed onto the floor.

“Um,” Tony said. “I—I’ll be glad to. Uh. Show you around, Steve. Don’t mind him.” He waved a hand at the floor where Clint was currently having what seemed like a seizure. “Fury dropped him on the head when he was born.”

“I—okay?” Steve flushed a little and he went back to his tablet, doodling something or another.

“Get your asses up,” Natasha snapped as she ran up the path to the gazebo, long legs eating up the distance easily. “We’ve got trouble back home.”

“What is it this time?” Tony groaned and barked at the waiter, “Get me my suitcase and a finger of vodka. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”

“HYDRA,” Bruce said grimly, following Natasha with Thor close on his heels. Thor raised Mjolnir up in the air and roared, “Curse these damned creatures! They shall be justly punished for disturbing my rest!”

“Yeah, okay buddy,” Clint grimaced and looked away. “Could you not do that in front of me? You have like nothing but a _thong_ on.”

“I do not understand friend Clint,” Thor said, lowering Mjolnir onto the ground with a dull thump. “Tony said that this was the appropriate garb for Midgardians enjoying a refreshing swim in the ocean.”

“Not the time,” Natasha said, pulling on a black bodysuit over her black bikini. “We’ve got a world to save. Again.”

“Are you sure it’s HYDRA?” Steve asked Bruce, pulling his shield out from under the beach chair he was sitting on.

“Well, if there’s another neo-Nazi cult bent on taking over the world with lots of nasty weapons, I haven’t heard of them,” Bruce said dryly, wiping his glasses on his shirt.

“Good,” Steve smiled, blue eyes hardening. “I’ve been looking forward to a rematch. Thor, are you ready?”

“I am most eager to join the battle again!”

“Tony?”

“I was _born_ ready.”

“Clint?”

“I’m good.”

“Natasha?”

“I have less knives than I would like but it shall have to suffice. I am prepared.”

“Bruce?”

Banner raised a brow at Steve, whose eyes softened a little. “Right. Alright, Avengers Assemble!”

\---

“God, and he was acting like such a creep you know? All _I am royalty_ blah blah blah, fear me, worship me, where am I, who are you, etc. I had no other choice—I tased him.”

Nick Fury opened a cold can of beer before passing it to her; Darcy accepted him with a grateful smile. “And he went down?”

“Like Sleeping Beauty,” Darcy confirmed, wiping foam from her mouth. “I mean Jane thinks that he was probably really weak from travelling on that bridge and having his God powers taken away from him, so he just went splat. But still, I tased a Norse God! How many people get to tase a Norse God and live? Yeah, that’s right.”

“You know,” Fury said thoughtfully, leaning back on a console. “We could use more people like you around here.”

“Too bad I’m unique,” Darcy preened. “There’s only one of me in this universe. Any more and space and time will go all kablooey.”

“I—oh. Hello, Captain America.” Nick Fury raised his single eyebrow at Steve, who ran into the room, shield at the ready.

“Where are— oh, Director Fury.” Steve lowered his shield and looked at the pair standing in the empty command center, broken machinery all around them. “I don’t understand, I was told that there was an emergency at the Helicarrier and—“

Fury raised his can of beer dismissively. “Oh, that. Don’t worry, we took care of it already.”

Steve blinked. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard you Director but did you just say—“ Tony flew through the wall and burst into the room, hands glowing bright blue. “Alright assholes, get off this….and…I feel like I’m missing something here.” He turned towards Captain America, thrusters humming.

“Is it just me or are there no HYDRA agents on this helicarrier?”

“It’s not just you,” Steve said. “Apparently, SHIELD took care of them all. Before we arrived.”

“…Ha, ha, funny joke!” Tony dropped down onto the ground, metal scraping against the scorched floor. “Right, Fury? Funny—funny…”

Nick Fury stopped glaring at Iron Man and sipped from his can of beer. “Well,” Darcy belched, crushing her empty beer can and tossing it onto the floor. “Dick measuring contest over, SHIELD has a bigger one. Let’s face the facts. We’ve got Nick Fury. What have you got?”

“The Hulk!” Tony said indignantly. “And you’re not even in SHIELD anyway!”

“Yeah, uh huh, we still got Nicky Fury. And Maria Hill. Oh, and _me._ ” Darcy buffed her fingers on her blouse. “Also, I do so work here! I’m technically Dr. Foster’s research assistant and Jane is employed by SHIELD. Two plus two equals Darcy kicking everyone’s butt.”

“You know,” Fury said conversationally. “What do you think of a promotion to Agent status, Lewis?”

“Agent Lewis.” Darcy considered it for a moment and smiled. “I like it. Does this mean I get a cool badge and a gun?”

“We can work it out over contract negotiations.”

“I am loving this saving-the-world gig already,” Darcy said airily. Tony glared daggers at her through his faceplate.  

**Author's Note:**

> for amusewithaview and anonymous, who both requested darcy/fury. (IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT.)
> 
> i think this may actually be the first darcy/fury fic in existence. does this mean i get an achievement award? 
> 
> credit for the first line goes to amusewithaview ♥

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [(Podfic) Agent Lewis by 100demons (Read by Saltyunicorn)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1977363) by [saltyunicorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyunicorn/pseuds/saltyunicorn)




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